Nerves of Steel

Contrary to what people think of me in everyday life I do not have nerves of steel. I am not the easygoing, carefree person people believe me to be. My most recent example that fought against this presumption was the publishing of my urban fantasy novel Splendificent. A few days before its publication I got a very “oh my god, what have I done?” feeling. I felt a sense of overwhelming dread. My thoughts were racing, constant, and repetitive. I kept asking myself “what if people hate this book” or “what if nobody buys it” or “what if I’m making the worst mistake of my life by publishing this book?”

I wonder how many other authors feel this way or have ever felt this way. Did Stephen King freak out when he was about to publish The Shining? Did whoever wrote the original version of the bible think “yo, this shit is trash as hell?”

I wonder if my jokes are not funny, if the characters are not likable enough. And I questioned what I could have done better. Even before getting a single review. I think that is why I write so slowly. Because I am trying to make everything perfect. Now, you might say perfect is impossible. Just publish the damn book! I have read some books I’ve considered perfect. Animal Farm is perfect. Andrzej Sapkowski’s Witcher series is perfect. So what I try to do is achieve a level of satisfaction that makes me think someone, somewhere might say my book is  perfect. Hopefully, that will be you.

Perhaps it’s perfectly normal for any artist to go through some dread when the big release day approaches. And what happens to them when that release day comes and it’s a critical and/or commercial flop? Does that heighten the anxiety? Create a feeling of despair? And I wonder what would be worse…to be rejected by your critics, your peers or the audience? I think all three would be damning to my ego. A combination would be crushing.

I have heard some rappers say when faced with a badly received album that they recorded it for themselves. To which 50 Cent said they should have kept that album to themselves. I heard, have certainly heard some songs that I wish the artist kept to themselves. Actually, I have heard PLENTY of songs I wish the artist had kept to themselves. But part of the joy in being an artist or writer or what have you is sharing your creation with the world. Entertaining people and engaging people is part of the reason I write. I would probably write if I had zero audience, and zero hope of ever gaining one. But then it would not be so fun.

I do often wonder if an artist can “turn” on their audience. Can they be so frustrated with the audience’s demands, and requests that they begin to loathe their audience. Say you’re running a popular TV show and you kill a popular character. Would the audience’s vitriol over social media be enough to emotionally wear you down? I’ve certainly been upset when I’ve had characters killed on shows I like. But I  never take to social media and rant! However, as an artist you want to elicit an emotional response from the reader/viewer of your work. So someone losing their shit on social media is elicting a response to an extreme. I’d think the last thing you’d want is apathy. Although I don’t think you’d want Twitter death threats either!

So even though I’m nervous about how my book will be received…very nervous…I still hope that it elicits some emotional response from someone. Even if just one person is entertained and they’re moved I will be happy. I’ll be broke. But, I’ll be happy.